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Those I trusted with the secret of my broken soul turned a blind eye. It was more of a twisted way of avenging myself. No, not even in adulthood, not even in the initial years of my marriage.
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I became a workaholic and enjoyed the distraction.”Įsther finally got married, but before then, “Sex was an event, not something to look forward to. “I couldn’t let anyone lay their hands on me. In her early 20s, Esther began dating but hardly connected. I’m not sure exactly what convinced him, but he moved out eventually.” Or maybe he thought my dad would take some cause of action. Maybe he moved out because he feared he would lose his job. All I wanted was for him to move out of home, completely. “I told him I would even tell the school principal. Every time,” says Esther, explaining that she had to write her cousin a letter, threatening to tell everyone at home. How could he have been working at the same school that was meant to be my place of solace? Although he couldn’t get his hands on me while I was at school, every time I saw him, cold chills would go through my body. “Guess who I found working as an accountant at the school? This to me was a testimony that the devil is alive and well. “It takes a lot for a victim to open up about sexual assault, to be turned away or be told that it was the victim’s fault for being in the wrong place at the wrong time and other sick allegations that people make shatters one’s heart into smithereens so tiny, only a miracle can help piece them back together,” says Esther, adding that defilement continued until she was 15 when her parents shipped her to a boarding secondary school. I didn’t know how my parents would handle such a confession,” she narrates. Why didn’t I tell my father then? I don’t know. My dad came running wondering what was going on, then my cousin said I just accidentally slipped and fell. “I remember this one time while in Form One, taking a knife and threatening to stab him if he got any closer, as we were wrestling (he wanted to pry the knife from my hand). My cousin was in the church choir and the youth pastor couldn’t afford to lose such a fine young man from the youth group,” shares Esther, adding that the few people she reached out to claimed she was making up stories. At some point in my teen, I tried reaching out to the youth pastor at the church we attended, but he threatened to excommunicate me from the fellowship. He needed a place as he attended college in Nairobi. Her cousin’s parents, the perpetrator, lived upcountry. The women in the kitchen were too caught up in their stories to realize that something was wrong.”
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When I did finally get up, I changed my clothes and ran to the kitchen. I wrestled within my mind trying as hard as I can to wake up. Then it moved downwards… I then became aware that something was wrong. “There were people in the kitchen, relatives catching up.”Įsther was in bed when “in my drowsy stupor, I felt something fill my mouth… I wasn’t sure what to make of it. I was one who lived to tell the story,” she says, recalling the day when some relatives came to their home in preparation for a wedding. “Many women are sexually abused at some point in their lives. Closer home in Kenya, there is Esther Nzioka, who was assaulted by her cousin in Nairobi in the 1990s.